COLLIER, krasner e.

[casey elijah archer]

krasner elliot collier

"taxi driver
i swear i've got three lives
balanced on my head like steak knives
i can't tell you the truth about my disguise
i can't trust no one
it's a bad religion
to be in love with someone
who could never love you
i know
only bad religion
could have me feeling the way i do"

i want to be in another place i hate when you say

NAME Krasner Elliot Collier
GENDER male
NICKNAMES Kras (pronounced Kraz), Ell
AGE 29, will be 30 August 7th
MEMBERGROUP returnee
YEAR/OCCUPATION Olympic equestrian competitor, riding trainer
SEXUALITY pansexual
PLAYED BY Kid Cudi

you don't understand, you'll see it's not meant to be

HI I'M KRASNER AND THIS IS ME:

ten recently played songs
1. forrest gump - frank ocean

My fingertips and my lips, they burn from the cigarettes. Forrest Gump you run my mind boy, running on my mind boy, Forrest Gump. I know you Forrest, I know you wouldn't hurt a beetle. But you're so buff and so strong, I'm nervous Forrest, Forrest Gump. I saw your game, Forrest, I was screaming run forty-four. But you kept running past the end zone, oh where'd you go Forrest. I'm remembering you. If this is love, I know it's true. I won't for-get you

2. bitch don't kill my vibe - kendrick lamar

Look inside of my soul and you can find gold and maybe get rich, look inside of your soul and you can find out it never exist. I can feel the changes, I can feel a new life, I always knew life can be dangerous. I can say that I like a challenge and you to me is painless. You don't know what pain is. How can I paint this picture when the color blind is hanging with you. Fell on my face and awoke with a scar, another mistake living deep in my heart.

3. how to fight lonliness - wilco

How to fight loneliness. Smile all the time. Shine your teeth to meaningless, and sharpen them with lies. And whatever is going down, will you follow around. That's how you fight loneliness. You laugh at every joke, drag your blanket blindly. Fill your heart with smoke. And the first thing that you want, will be the last thing you'll ever need. That's how you fight it. Just smile all the time

4. empty in between - tegan & sara

You wear that superstar status on your shoulder. Don't worry, I won't lean on you when I get cold, yeah, sell a million copies and I buy back your love. Tell everyone I hate you and I blame the above. Love, you're breaking me. Oh and love, you're shaking me, yeah, to the curb, to the front door. I'm left empty in between

5. nobody sees me like you do - yoko ono

I wanna quit moving, I wanna quit running, I wanna relax and be tender. I wanna see us together again, rocking away in our walnut chairs. Even with your warmth and closeness, the feeling of loneliness hangs over like a curse. No one can see me like you do. No one can see you like I do. Even with our dreams and yearnings, the feeling of loneliness hangs over like a thirst.

6. the prettiest star - david bowie

Cold fire, you've got everything but cold fire, you will be my rest and peace child. I moved up to take a place near you. So tired, it's the sky that makes you feel tried, It's a trick to make you see wide. It can all but break your heat in pieces. Staying back in your memory, are the movies in the past. How you moved is all it takes to sing a song of when I loved the prettiest star

7. i and love and you - the avett brothers

Three words that became hard to say. I and love and you. What you were then I am today. Look at the things I do. Ah Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in. Are you aware the shape I'm in? My hands they shake, my head it spins. Ah Brooklyn, Brooklyn take me in.

8. creep - radiohead

When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather in a beautiful world. And I wish I was special, you're so fuckin' special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here

9. even when you're far away - yoko ono

I tell you why I could never hate you. Even when you're far away, I know you love me in your soul. It's just the way we happen to be, it's just the way it happens to be. We don't know how to love, love without fear. Part of me will always be with you, part of you is growing in me.

10. something good - alt-j

Something good, oh something good tonight will make me forget about you for now. Get high, hit the floor before you go. Matador, estocada, you’re my blood sport. But something good tonight will make me forget about you for now. Forty-eight thousand seats bleats and roars for my memories of you,

nine books on krasner's shelf
1. The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov - “You should never ask anyone for anything. Never- and especially from those who are more powerful than yourself.”
2. Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez - “He allowed himself to be swayed by his conviction that human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but that life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.”
3. Just Above My Head by James Baldwin - "How then, can I trust my memory concerning that particular Sunday afternoon?...Beneath the face of anyone you ever loved for true--anyone you love, you will always love, love is not at the mercy of time and it does not recognize death, they are strangers to each other--beneath the face of the beloved, however ancient, ruined, and scarred, is the face of the baby your love once was, and will always be, for you. Love serves, then, if memory doesn't, and passion, apart from its tense relation to agony, labors beneath the shadow of death. Passion is terrifying, it can rock you, change you, bring your head under, as when a wind rises from the bottom of the sea, and you're out there in the craft of your mortality, alone.”
4. Like Water For Chocolate by Laura Esquivel - “You don't have to think about love; you either feel it or you don't.”
5. Beloved by Toni Morrison - “She is a friend of my mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order.”
6. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald - “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”
7. Strange Pilgrims by Gabriel Garcia Marquez - “The fact is that being seductive is an addiction that can never be satisfied.”
8. The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison - “I was never more hated than when I tried to be honest. Or when, even as just now I've tried to articulate exactly what I felt to be the truth. No one was satisfied”
9. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides - “I live my own life and nurse my own wounds. It's not the best way to live. But it's the way I am.”

eight prized possessions
1. four gold medals, 2 silvers and 3 bronzes
2. photograph of him, his younger sister Alice and their older sister Laurel with their father before Laurel died.
3. horseshoe from first barn he rode at
4. the engagement ring he bought Alastair
5. sixth place ribbon from his first show
6. a box of love notes Alastair wrote to him
7. a painting his father gave him on his 25th birthday
8. a book of drawings Kendra gave him for his 29th birthday

seven voicemails
1. "Hey dad. I'm at Dr. Rosenthal's. He says we can finally get my hormones today. I can start them tomorrow. Can you come get me now? I want to get them right now."
2. "Krasner, this is your mother. I just want you to know that if you keep up this nonsense, you are no longer my child. I already lost one daughter, I'm not losing two. This phase has gone on long enough, you're fifteen now, it's time to stop."
3. "Alice! I know you're not there but I just wanted you to be the first to know, I did it! I'm on the team! I'm going to the olympics! Fuck, I'm so excited, call me back."
4. "Hey, if you've got some time this week, can you come out for drinks? I have something I want to talk to you about.... Oh, um, right and this Alastair. In case you hadn't guessed. You probably guessed. Drinks this week though, ok?"
5. "Baby, I found the place. Beautiful apartment in lower Manhattan, not far from my barn. Near the book store, so you can get to work easy. We can move in next week if you want it. I love you, I love this place, I love our fucking life. Call me, Ali, I know you're gonna love the place."
6. "Have you lost your goddamned mind? I just saw the present you left me you maniac. I love you like insanity. I can't wait to see you, I'm going to run out to get stuff for dinner, I'll be back home right after you get home from the barn. Love you, maniac."
7. "Krasner, call me back. I know you're there. Please, you're my brother. Paolo and I are flying in, please hang on. I'm so so so sorry about Alastair, we all loved him, please hang on, we're going to get you please don't do anything rash please."

six recent purchases
1. riding boots, black, leather
2. coffee ice cream
3. pot, seriously, to deal with his insomnia
4. hormone refill
5. carrots
6. mothers day card for his sister

five important people
1. Langston Collier

Krasner's father, Langston is the most supportive parent a trans kid could have. As soon as Krasner came out, Langston was completely on board. Unsure of what he needed to do for his son, Langston consulted with a variety of people, finally finding a gender specialst to send Krasner to so they could figure out what came next. When Krasner wanted to go into horseback riding, Langston supported him unconditionally and when Krasner was dealing with excessive bullying in New York, Langston picked up the family and moved them to a more trans accepting community in San Francisco without question and without complaint.

2. Alice Rubini

Alice is Krasner's younger sister. She's not even a little afraid of getting in to kick her big brother's ass when she thinks he's being stupid. A fashion designer, she married her husband Marcello and moved to Milan with him, where they now have three children. She and Krasner still talk every single Wednesday and Sunday and she's been instrumental in getting him to pursue his dreams and open his stables. When his partner was murdered last year, she was also on the next plane out and spent a month with him, helping him through the worst of the grief.

3. Dr. Alan Rosenthal

Alan Rosenthal was Krasner's first gender specialist and the one who took care of Krasner from whn he was 6 up until the time he turned 12. He was the first one to prescribe Krasner hormones and was one of the first to reassure both Krasner and his father that what Krasner was going through was entirely normal and ok and something they could help the then young child with, nothing to be afraid of. Krasner still keeps in touch with Dr. Rosenthal and they have become friendly these days.

4. Paula Georgetti

Paula was the riding trainer who first encouraged Krasner to look into riding professionally. She made the right introductions for him when he was 16 and got him into training with a former Olympic rider. Without Paula, Krasner would never have made it into his first national championship and certainly would never have made it onto the Olympic team.

5. Kendra Fisk

Kendra was and is Krasner's best friend. They met in college and have been super tight ever since. She came out as trans when she was 19 and Krasner was with her every step of the way. For Krasner, she's the best friend that everyone always joked that he'd marry one day but their relationship is purely platonic. He thinks of her as a sister and is extraordinarily protective of her.

four relationships
1. Amanda Smith

High school girlfriend, the first girl Krasner ever kissed. He met her through friends and she didn't go to his high school. She took him to her prom and afterwards they drove out to the park and made out. When she tried to make a move to go further, Krasner told her he was trans and she freaked out, kicked him out of the car and left him by himself, spreading vicious rumors about him in the days after.

2. Emilio Martinez

College boyfriend, met at the barn Krasner trained at. He was another rider, equally serious, though he was more of a jumper than Krasner was. They were friends first, then later, after a few informal outings for drinks, they tumbled into bed. Emilio never even blinked when he found out quite on his own, that Krasner was trans. They dated two years then split when Krasner stayed put in California and Emilio moved to Europe.

3. Lisa Phipps

Krasner met Lisa at age 20, when he was competing in his first Olympics. She was another member of the US team and about 20 years older than him. The first time they competed together, they certainly flirted btu nothing came of it until she came out to open a stable in the bay area. Krasner started training full time with her and they ended up having an on again off again relationship. It ended for good when Krasner was 25, shortly after his second Olympics.

4. Alastair Jones

Alastair was Krasner's most serious relationship. They met when Krasner was in college and were close friends for years before, shortly before Krasner's 25th, Alastair confessed to having feelings for him. Their relationship began properly shortly after the breakup with Lisa and was a three year romance. Alastair was also trans and understood well Krasner's issues. They were deeply in love and Alastair was the center of Krasner's world before he was jumped one night and killed. The murder was ruled a hate crime and the three kids who committed it ended up in jail but Krasner hasn't had a relationship since.

three fights
1. "What did you say? Did you say something? Because if you've got something to fucking say about my gender, say it to my fucking face. Yeah I beat you, go home and cry to your mama about it, don't fucking talk smack about me when you think I can't hear that shit. Big fuckin' tough guy? Fuck you, I can take you, fuck outta here." Krasner to another rider in a practice competition. Result: beaten up around the back of the barn by a couple of other riders.
2. "No! I said no, I don't want to see you anymore. You just take my energy and my time and you just fucking waste it. I didn't say I wanted to marry you, I'm not some lovesick teenager, I'm just tired of this shit. Goddamn it Lisa! If you don't want to be with me, then don't!" Krasner to Lisa. Result: Makeup sex, two more fights, more makeup sex and then an official breakup one week later.
3. "Alice, I swear to god just I don't want to live any more if Alastair isn't here with me, I fucking don't! Get out of my house, get out, just go fuck yourself, I can't do this anymore, get out! Fucking just go, I can't live like this. Take your happy fucking family and just get out of my life because this is it." Krasner to Alice, shortly after Alastair's murder. Result: Crying breakdown, Alice does not leave.

two deaths
1. Laurel Collier, age six, older sister to Krasner and Alice Collier. Died from Santavuori-Haltia disease.
2. Alastair Jones, age thirty four, partner of three years to Krasner Collier. Murder by gunshot wound, preceded by beating.

one secret
1. The day Alastair was murdered, Krasner was late getting home because he was at the jewelry store, looking for engagement rings. The one he bought he wears on a chain around his neck and never speaks about it.

i want to be with the energy, not with the enemy

YOUR NAME ceeeeeee
SOMETHING AWESOME nope

a place for my head